The utter humiliation of Gaara no Sabaku
by IceCrome
Summary: Gaara thinks Matsuri's cat is evil. Matsuri is amused. And italics are abused. Crack.


_What? A _Naruto _fic_? _What is this? Hath hell frozen over? Well, recently I've been watching the Shippuden episodes—you know, the good ones without Saus-gay? (Who I liked in part one but is now pissing me off.) Anyway, I love Gaara and Matsuri together and I can't fathom why people hate her so much. She's been in like, four episodes? At that? Jesus people, get a life._

_© Masashi Kishimoto_

* * *

Pure evil.

It had to be _pure evil._

"Gaara-sensei...why are you staring so ah...'intently' at Keiko?" Matsuri asked innocently, rather _too_ innocently if Gaara had any mind to it, but dammit, the only thing on his mind right now was the fact that the cat must be _slaughtered _because it was corrupting his girlfriend's _mind._

"Gaara-sensei..."

Or _maimed..._

"Gaara-sensei!"

Or...or um...

"Gaa-chan!" Gaara turned his head at the 'special' nickname he'd received, and she used it only when they were around each other. He growled slightly, annoyed. He was thinking of ways to brutally maim her cat of _Satanic evil. _

"Matsu-chan, _what is it." _Wasn't a question, more so a statement asking her just _what the hell_ she wanted.

"Gaara-sensei, you've been staring at Keiko for the past three minutes. Please tell me you don't have romantic feelings for my cat. That would be weird, Gaara-sensei, even for you." Gaara did a double-take, giving her a rather stupid look. She giggled. Oh how adorable he was when confused. Adorable and amusing all at the same time.

"Gaa-chan—,"

"Please _stop_ calling me that."

"—nope! Anyway, why are you staring at Keiko? Please don't contemplate killing her. I'm rather fond of her." Matsuri hugged the cat to her chest, and Gaara could _swear _on his _entire _collection of Sailor Moon dolls (_Action figures! _His mind proclaimed angrily) that the stupid cat was giving him a smug smile. He clenched his fist. His girlfriend was fondling a fricking _cat. _

_And not him. _That was what irked him the most. If only he could just throw it out in the street and _let the snakes eat it._

Yes...that would be nice...

"Gaa-chan! Please stop looking at her like that...it's creepy. Anyway..." She set Keiko down on the rug, and the cat totted out of the room, rubbing against Gaara's leg for good effect, saying _'you're not going to win, so accept it, loser'. _

His eye twitched _ever so slightly. _

"Gaa-chan, please stop thinking of ways to maim and/or mutilate my tabby cat. It would look a little odd on a Kazekage's record if it says 'Ruled justly, however, killed a tabby cat for reasons beyond my fathomable expression'." Matsuri giggled again. Gaara died a little inside. Not because of her giggling, however, it was due mostly by the fact that she would keep the damn cat and _he could not win._

"Anyway, Gaa-chan, are you ready? I thought that we were joining Temari-san and Kankuro-san for lunch?" Matsuri glanced over her shoulder at him, to see him glaring at Keiko. _Again._

"Gaa-chan...you're staring at Keiko again..." Matsuri chuckled, and linked her hand with his.

"Please stop doing that, Gaara. I like her. She's cuddly and warm."

"_I'm _cuddly and warm." Matsuri laughed. Gaara seethed.

"Of course you are, Gaara. Especially with the gigantic bags under your eyes and the Kanji symbol on your forehead. Other than that, yes, quite cuddly and warm." She kissed his cheek, and he seethed once more.

Seethe.

Seethe.

_Seethe._

"Gaa-chan, I'll be in the bathroom, okay? When we come out I expect Keiko to still be alive and _you _to not be such a pill about going to lunch with your siblings. Honestly, the three of you are getting along splendidly, however, just take to time and—_dammit _Gaara! Stop staring at Keiko!" Matsuri grabbed his head and forced him to stop looking at that _damn _cat for _two _minutes as if it was going to _pounce _on her at any _second! _

"Gaa-chan, I know you're a bit jealous of...of _my cat, _but please. It's a cat. I love _you_ more than I love _Keiko. _So please, stop acting like a _jealous dolt. _For me?" She smiled cutely, which, she _obvious_ly knew would both _kill him inside _and make his knees melt.

Seethe.

Seethe!

_Seethe!_

"Gaa-chan, you're seething again..." _Damn_ her acute observations. He bit his lip in thought, and nodded his head mechanically. Well, more time meant more ways to think of maiming her, right? And besides, the cat rubbed up against his leg to show Matsuri that _she _'liked' him, despite the fact that the _demon cat _knew she was the victor in the situation by pretending to like him.

"I know what you're thinking cat. You're thinking you've _won._ However, the game has _just started, _Keiko. So stop being a smug little _bastard cat_ and let me kiss her without your _stupid tabby self _jumping up, and then her immediately going 'Oh _Keiko, _I'm sorry! I didn't realize you were feeling left out!'. _You're a cat! _You get enough attention already you _stupid cat of stupid." _Rare was it for Gaara no Sabaku to lose his cool. However, when he did, it was _funny. _

"Meow." Keiko gave him big cat eyes. Like, huge eyes that made you just want to go _'Aww...it's so cute!'. _

Gaara's eye twitched again. He was a _cold heartless bastard _who only cared about his siblings, village, and girlfriend. Okay, maybe not _totally _heartless...

The cat must be eliminated.

"Me_ow!" _It gave another adorable mewl, and Gaara struggled to not be affected by its cuteness. Goddammit, even he had to admit that it was _adorable _when not being a hell-spawn of...of...._hell-spawniness._

"I hate you..." He growled and lifted his hand up slowly to meet her head, and petted the cat. It purred under the scratching, and licked his hand. He struggled more to not be taken under it's _adorable innocent look. _

"I _refuse_ you let you win." He huffed, and Keiko mewled. Matsuri came out of the bathroom to see Gaara glaring at her cat. Again. She sighed, and ran a hand through her hair.

"Gaa-chan...come on, Keiko isn't going to eat you..." She gently grabbed his hand and pulled him off the couch. He kept his glare on the cat, and Matsuri sighed.

"Gaara...Temari and Kankuro will wonder why you're late, and then Kankuro will hold it over your head until you find something that will embarrass him, and the vicious circle continues." Matsuri giggled, and Gaara seethed once more and got that 'I'm-gonna-choke-a-bitch' look on his face.

"Keiko-kun, come on! Into the bedroom!" She picked up the cat, who mewed in defiance because _she was winning the freaking competition._

"Your cat is _evil_, Matsuri. Pure, unadulterated _evil._ Why didn't you pick that Calico cat? It looked more well-behaved and _not evil._" Matsuri kissed his cheek again, another growl escaping his lips. She pouted.

"If you're going to growl every time I do that, maybe I should just give up trying to give you affection."

Dammit, this is _exactly _as Keiko _planned it!_

* * *

Poke.

Prod.

_Stab._

Kankuro and Temari watched as Gaara stabbed his toothpick in his Odango, making various tiny holes in the small sphere. Matsuri ignored his 'outburst', and closed her eyes as she feasted on the delicious odango. She gulped it down, and stared at Temari and Kankuro, who were giving their brother dumbfounded looks. He hadn't been this maniacal since before the Shukaku took over. Temari raised her eyebrow into her hairline.

"...Gaara...what did that Odango ever do to you, exactly?" Temari said, her head a full 90 degrees. Kankuro, out of his usual attire, (save for the paint, because he thought he looked rather badass) stayed more than motionless as he watched, rather amused at Gaara's abuse of the odango.

Matsuri swallowed, "Gaara-sama is a bit...irritated by my cat."

"...Your cat?" Temari asked dumbly.

Matsuri nodded.

"Your cat. Um..." Kankuro said, not exactly knowing where to continue from there. Honestly, he knew his brother wasn't a huge fan of animals (except, for some odd reason, pandas) but to be _this _irked about a cat...then what the hell did that feline do, anyway?!

Temari put her fist under her chin, studying Gaara poke, prod, stab, and _mutilate _the poor odango. Matsuri finally got tired of the incessant sticking in and sticking out (that's what she said), and shoved it in his mouth. He narrowed his eyes, and chewed slowly, glaring at his significant other. She grinned.

"You need to just eat the damn food and stop seething quietly about Keiko. Honestly Gaa-chan, you seethe too much. I think it's unhealthy." Temari blinked, and Kankuro let out a snort before a string of laughter followed.

Of course, Matsuri didn't tell them about her 'nickname'. Of. Freaking. Course.

Now he was positive that Temari and Kankuro had some...some _conspiracy _together with Keiko to fell him as Kazekage and replace him with that _damned cat._

That was, quite obviously, the most logical explanation.

Kankuro turned his head away to respect both his brother and the Kazekage by not laughing directly at his face, however, the chortles heard from the Puppeteers mouth were like a thousand little pinpricks to Gaara's manhood, dignity, and pride.

He was being bested by a...a _cat of Satan_ and his girlfriend who just happens to be three inches shorter than him, which makes her adequate arm-resting height. (Much to her annoyance and dismay.)

"You do realize I'm never, ever, _ever _letting you live this down, right..._Gaa-chan?_" Kankuro said, smile reaching to his ears. Gaara seethed.

"I'm very much aware, _thankyouverymuch_"

* * *

"I know you think you've won, _Kei-ko, _but the battle has just begun you stupid...little...God I hate you." Gaara narrowed his eyes at the cat, who mewed innocently. He readied his pimp hand, when Matsuri suddenly kissed him full-on the lips.

"Gaa-chan, let's put Keiko _in another room..._"

...Who did he hate again?

* * *

_Worst ending ever. _

_And look at my uncreative Japanese names!_


End file.
